back up to Farmington today

well, I made a quick jaunt down to ABQ and got to head back up today to Farmington. Awoke at 5:30am with a spliting headache, not cool, not cool. Dragged myself to the kitchen for some water to swallow some allergy meds and some Tylenol. Laid in bed sending emails, getting emails. Wow, I have friends who are awake at 5:40am and do email, that was cool to get something from Rev. Kathy R at that early time of day. I want to thank all my friends who have been keeping me afloat emotionally lately, by sending me notes, calling me, posting on my various blogs on the net… (don’t worry, I’ve been posting the same on all of them, so you’re not missing anything if you’re getting it here.) Truly it’s those little moments in Farmington where I am able to quickly log on and get into my email and get a note from someone I hold near and dear to my heart that keeps me going. I wish I could just hop on a plane and make a trip to all those places that have my friends in them at times like this, but I have to be here. It’s been this large cloud that’s been looming over me for way too long, and it’s like the newsguy has been warning of the big rain for so long that I kinda stopped listening to him. Now it’s going to happen soon, and there is no way to go but directly through it.

I’ve been bad about responding individually to emails and calls, and I apologize for that. Sometimes I get the message, on screen or in my ear, and I’m so touched…. but if I were to respond in that moment, I’d be a bucket of tears. So sometimes, it’s just necessary to hold myself together in that moment, so I don’t reply. I will try to reply, but don’t be mad if you get another mass email reply. I do appreciate hearing others’ stories of the paths they’ve walked that are similar to mine, and I look to those of you who have lost someone dear for guidance. I want those stories, I need those stories. I know, some people don’t want to hear all about what someone else went through, but I do, quite frequently, because I like to hear that 1. I’m not the only one who’s had these feelings and 2. I do learn from others’ experiences and want to do the very best I can in these last weeks with my mom.

I wondered a few days ago, what does one do on Mother’s Day when Mom isn’t around anymore? Then I realize that some people may never have been able to have this sort of holiday and I feel very wrong for even wondering, since I have had my Mom around in my life ALOT and I had her all to myself as a child, didn’t share her with siblings as they were all pretty much out of the house by the time I was 5 or 6.

I was a lucky child, I wanted for nothing. My mom stayed at home and was always there for me, cooking my favorite things and sewing me special outfits and costumes, making sure I did my homework and praising me every step of the way. (See, my dad found a large chunk of GOLD in the mountains when I was about 8, and the financial picture changed immensely for the family at that time, so Mom had more to spread around.)

I also unfortunately wasn’t really constitutionally cut out for the cold Colorado winters and I got sick a lot… and I went to the doctor alot. (Mom lost a baby to penumonia once, and so those of us who came after that, got rushed off to get antibiotics with a sniffle.) My mom was the best caregiver anyone could ask for… She’d set me up on the couch with a little glass bell, some jello, some toast, some chicken soup, some 7Up, some tea, some juice, some water, pretty straws, lots of cough drops, the TV on whatever channel I wanted, and the vaporizer turned on. If I needed anything I was to ring the bell… I only recently have come to find out that this is not what most people in the world experience when they are sick. My mom loved taking care of me, and nowadays, if I get a chance, I also enjoy going the extra mile for a friend or lover and they’re always amazed by the treatment, but to me, it’s standard, and should be.

My friend Taylor has always said I have great ‘mama energy’ that my friends all love, and still another dear friend laments the fact that I’m not having any kids of my own. (I don’t want to HAVE them. I’m happy to GET some in a package deal… just so we’re clear about that.) I honestly don’t know if my mom is disappointed that I didn’t have any kids… she never pressured me on that angle.

She wanted me to get a college degree, I know that. I did that. I’ve tried to honor her as a professional and to always do the right thing byShe people and take care of those who are in my world. I didn’t pick the high paying career path, I picked the labor of love route, and to me, that is where my creative energy goes (and goes and goes and goes.) I know her world was very very different from mine… but I hope she will always be able to say she’s proud of the choices I’ve made in life (or, at least most of them. Heaven knows I was not a perfect angel… especially in the teenage years.) Nowadays I’m happy to have my friends tell me I’m an angel with a crooked halo, that works for me.

Rambling… I know I need to tell my mom all these things, and I have, back when she first had her stroke… I recounted for her all the wonderful things she’s done for me… I think she didn’t realize how special our friendship was. My sister said to me last week, “well, you always were the closest to mom.” I didn’t know that my sister felt that way, but now that I do, I see where the jealousy came from, we have not been particularly close for most of our lives, and now it’s easier to see why. We are a united front now, though, and she said to me, last week, “You know, it’s up to US to make sure that Mom is able to pass on quickly…” I told her I that I knew that. I think she was trying to say that if other caregivers faltered on the way, or Dad wanted to back out, we had to keep towing the line and making sure that Mom wasn’t forced into eating if she was not interested.

My biggest sadnesses these days are that I am alone in Farmington to deal on this, even the caregiver that I had established a familial relationship with is now gone, she quit right before all of this started because my dad had become unreasonable (still in denial) to work for. I know it well, as I have been the one that he has taken things out on in the past. She became like a daughter to him in these past 5-6 years and so he started treating her like he does me and my sister. She had an out - she wasn’t actually related, he forgot about that. I’ve tried to reach her by phone, but no luck, just the answering machine always. I miss her presence in the house, she always had this ‘up’ attitude and her smile always brightened my day. I had gotten comfortable in the thought that she’d be with us until Mom left… and so I felt I had one friend there with me through it all, right there, at arm’s length. I’m actually really scared to be alone through this, but again, there is no way to go but directly through it.

Leave a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.