Archive for December, 2006

almost imperceptible


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Well, I don’t know if ~everyone~ knows this, but I was in Santa Fe NM for the NM filmmakers conference and then the Santa Fe Film Fest last week. Yes, it may seem a bit odd to some that I’d take off like that, with my mom..s health where it is. But to those who know me best, probably they realize that I needed a large break from the dreary day-to-day in Farmington.. and most importantly, to have an opportunity to see my SF and ABQ friends and reconnect with them and the NM filmmaker community at large. And for a short while, I felt like my old self again. Now I am back in Farmington. Things are stressful now, on many fronts. Not all of them can be discussed here, of course. but money is a huge issue for me right now and it..s a bad time to be trying to pick up a 2nd gig, before Xmas and during this time that my mom is imminently leaving. Then there’s the people I miss from my life, friends who occupied my life in a huge way and now they..re hundreds of miles away, and then there..s the issue of my mom’s health itself. She seems a ~little bit~ more declined than 10 days ago, seems very tired and in pain quite frequently. She moans sometimes, and that’s how we know. That or her furrowed brow, either way the message is clear. she hurts. I’m trying to train the caregivers that it..s OKAY to dose Mom once an hour with morphine if she seems to be hurting. and then again, maybe we need to up the dosage of methadone. she is on the lowest of all low doses possible on that stuff. All in all, Mom is still here, holding on someway, somehow, for reasons we will never fathom or figure out. and her decline is almost imperceptible to those who are here day in and day out. Everyday I ask the universe to take her quickly, everyday the universe passes another day and does not grant my wish. I get so mad lately at folks who use that old line on me, ..Well, at least you have all the time you need to say what you wanted to say, to say goodbye.. etc etc… What folks like that DON’T get is that I..ve said these things hundreds of times, and then I feel like I have to say them again, just because she’s still here. It’s like the endless goodbye, this horrid state of limbo, neither here nor there, no awareness of where we are on this path, and wondering when will the good lord take her and end her pain. So I’m sorry to be such a crass bastard, but I’m TIRED of saying goodbye over and over again, just in case. I’ve been dealing with my mom’s declinging health for about 8-10 years now, and I’ve been dealing with her pending death for about 20 months. I don’t think many folks realize what it’s like to watch the one you love most in the world decline at an almost imperceptible pace. I think it’s time to watch The Sea Inside again.. People may find me callous, but the truth is there is no greater love to be told than the love that allows you to set your loved ones free and see them suffer no longer.

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